6 Questions to Ask Your Child Every Day

I asked my 4 year old for a list of his favourite things. His responses were surprising. The simplicity and authentic responses are inspiring:

1. Making friends
2. Fighting monsters
3. Eating Popcorn
4. Making apple juice 
5. Cuddling with Mommy - EVERY DAY
6. Watching my brother's iPad
7. The bear story: Baby Baby, Baby Bear, What do you see?

... had he not seen his brother's iPad in the background, I am not sure this would have made the list. That said, he is now distracted by a matching game and cheering himself on as he randomly pairs Pokemon cards. "Mom, the game told me I am AWESOME!" Yes, buddy --- you are awesome. Very awesome.

This got me reflecting on the questions we ask our children; the perceived responses we might have and; other questions and responses - the dialogue - with my children I thrive on experiencing each and every day.

We have a routine at the dinner table:
1. How was your day?
2. What did you do today?

By asking this question in routine, the responses have become overwhelming but exciting. We receive the ultimate play-by-play, i..e
"I woke up. I came downstairs. I ate cereal for breakfast. I walked to school. I got to school. I put my backpack down. I walked around at school. The bell rang. 'Ring! Ring!' I went in my class. I put my backpack down. I put my indoor shoes on. Wait. I took off my boots and then I put my indoor shoes on..."

3. How did that make you feel? 
Whether a situation they are describing it something that make them happy, sad, frustrated, angry. We have them connect these emotions with the situation. You see, my oldest has anxiety (read more here -- I also talk about parenting the self-punishing child here) and any opportunity to discuss his emotions and learn during moments of pauses versus in the heat of the moment, it something we welcome.

4. What was your favourite part of your day?

5. What did you learn today?

And, of course:

6. Do you want to dance? 

Until next time... have a wonderful day! xo

Parenting a Child with Anxiety

My son has anxiety. It is draining. It is exhausting. It challenges every ounce of my being. It tests me in ways beyond measures. It can most easily be recognized by the tears streaming down both of our faces. 

The other day was photo day at soccer. An environment which may not be comfortable for all but one that the 40+ other children they could cope reasonably well with. This is not me comparing or singling out my child. This is me being observant and open to learning how others handle such circumstances. The result: 2.5 hours of crying until he cried himself to sleep. Again, this not be comparing or singling out my child; this is me knowing my child and understanding from the dozens of medical professionals he has seen, he has anxiety.

When friends try to help - for me, a wall goes up.  A thick, impenetrable wall. I know people are meaning well but the reality is: we just want to dive into a bubble, my son and I, so we can talk; so he can express himself and I can remind him, without distraction, I am here with you. I love you.

It's not about whether or not it's going to be okay because in that moment, that is not a message he is able to hear; that is not within the realm of his reality...

If you are cornered by a lion and someone were to say to you, "it's going to be okay?" - you might have some choice words. For someone to think that by saying those words, in that moment, those "actions" are going to help with the circumstance?... Think about that. Really think about that. That is what a child with anxiety faces when they are triggered.

I relate my son's anxiety to being cornered by a lion

The reality is these situations that to most are simple decisions or day-to-day circumstances are completely overwhelming and outright terrifying for him. This --- this is anxiety.

On a day-to-day level, from public appearance, he can cope well. But, when he doesn't - and we don't always know what the trigger will be (yet) - it is not about whether or not he copes well; right now, it is that he does not cope. "Fight or flight" --- he takes off like a rocket-ship... and he is headed to a universe that is presently completely unknown to us but, guess what, we are along for the ride.

We've tried to talk with other parents about his anxiety but are often met with:
"He seems fine to me."
"He's learning at his own pace."

I can tell you these are not helpful or constructive comments. Although we appreciate the place these messages are coming from, I am writing this to share another perspective. When you know there is something "wrong" with your child it is not about labeling him - or perhaps more appropriately - feeling bad that he HAS a label. The "label" is a part of who he is. That is not something to be dismissed; it is something that must be acknowledged. It is a reality. It is his reality. It is a part of him and all of him is someone to be embraced.

We are new to this. This world of parenting a child with anxiety... it's not easy but we are learning... we are trying to keep breathing. We are letting ourselves cry. And we are reminding ourselves:

Until next time.. have a wonderful day! xo

p.s. I will keep you updated; if you have a child with anxiety, please do not hesitate to reach out.  Comment below or share some links to helpful resources to the comment section below.

What Street in Heaven does Oma live on?

Children make profound statements. They enlighten us with their honesty. They keep us thinking. They catch us off guard:

"What street in heaven does Oma live on?"

This was my 4 year old. Calmly. Confidently. Sincerely. He was asking a great question.

We recently had to say goodbye to our family dog and 10 days later, my husband's Oma passed away; he had to fly half way around the world to be with his family. So, in a short period of time, my kids lose their dog, learn a family member has died, and suddenly their dad is on a plane to be away for a unknown amount of time. Change. Life. Transparent life.

We hid nothing from our children and are doing everything we can to support them through these changes. It's a lot for anyone to take in. It's a lot for parents, too. Combine your need to grieve with supporting your children as they grieve and being present, really - really present, to answer their questions... it can be draining. It is draining.

Through this, I feel like our children are experiencing a great gift: coping with grief. Holding memories. Talking openly. These are such critical life skills for them to develop. As a parent, when a sequence of difficult events are occurring -- I hold onto that: what a blessing it is for our children to develop these skills so young. What a gift it is for us to be trusted to lead them through this journey. What a privilege. They don't know this yet but these life changing last few weeks are carving a new chapter in the story they are writing.... that of life and that of resiliency. Messages which will be forever woven into every coming chapter they write.

Their resilience inspires me. Their honesty humbles me. They make me so grateful.

"There are no streets in heaven. It's where a great people we love gather when they pass to watch over us. We carry our memories and their good values in our hearts; how amazing is that? (Pause) Actually, there are streets in heaven: people we love are in heaven and the street runs from watching over us and goes right into our hearts."

"That makes sense, Mommy."

Until next time.... have a wonderful day. xo

Be a part of our journey, click here, to follow us on You Tube. 

 

 

Facebook vs Reality

You know where "this" moment is captured and posted to Facebook:

Photos cannot be used in any form without written consent of the author of this blog.

Well, the truth behind "THAT" is "THIS" where a child had been screaming and miserable for an hour and completely exhausted themselves...

The above photo was taken from an illustration because - of course - MY child would NEVER behave like that....

That is all, for now. Can you relate?