Day 6: He did it. The gift of running.

My six year old ran his first cross country race. We really were not sure whether or not he would start. We thought there would be tears. But, we also thought it was possible to be an activity he would enjoy. And, he did... eventually.

There were hundreds of kids participating; an overwhelming scene. He happily played with his friends before-hand and seemed eager to participate. This was very much to my surprise. I anticipated him becoming overwhelmed early on but he handled this part of the event with ease. To see the excitement in his eyes gave us hope he may have found an activity that "clicked" for him. He loves to run and, of course, it's such a great activity for his well-being but the potential stress surrounding the events left much uncertainly. His 3 year old brother was all too eager though, so I took him from the start/finish area to cheer from the mid-way point.

Dad stayed with our six year old and as it was time to start, the crowd gathered closer and as I am told, the hesitation rapidly set in. There was a sea of people and it was not something a parent could talk him into. We were so fortunate that his teacher was also the cross country coach. They have an amazing relationship and as my husband said, "She knew just what to say. Just how to approach and encourage him. She just knows him so well." It is truly remarkable to have a person like that in our son's life. If one cannot bring him out of his "shell". He shuts down. Completely shuts down. He is the child who will scream, hide and either frantically moving or freeze completely. In this state, there is no communication to be had. He has to experience his emotions and after an hour if we are lucky, then talk about his feelings. When he speaks about his feelings, he then usually triggers another response as he seems to feel heavily guilty for his "inappropriate" behaviour.... and the cycle continues. When he was younger these "episodes" could last six hours, easily. Rather than frantic, pacing movement thought he'd flail his body..... he is learning. We are all learning.

I need to pause as a I write this. If anyone stumbles across this and has a child who has some anxiety and more emotionally sensitive.... with patience, tremendous patience, your child can learn to cope. We are going on four years now and I may go as far as to say he is thriving. Our version of thriving. Just last week I still had someone say to me, "oh gawddddd, I could never deal with THAT." They stood up and walked away shaking there head. This was their reaction to my son's behaviour in a particular situation. He was transitioning to a new activity within the scope of the day, and he was needing a little extra support to do so. He had started to stress and swatted his hand at me which then followed tears and repetitive, "I am sorry!!  I am sorry! I am sorry, Mommy!  I didn't mean to hit you. I shouldn't do that! I am sorry!!" --- followed by massive tears. So, with this response --- why would we even "expose" our son to a new activity in a crowd of people? Quite frankly, how else will learn to cope? And, our son asked to participate. We will support and encourage him in anything he chooses --- within reason. ;)

Back to the race....His age group had about 200 kids. After words of encouragement from his teacher, he started with the crew. At the half-way mark, closer to the finish line I guess, we saw the first runner... the first hundred runners.... more and more runners..... and then, we saw this:

Our guy is in the foreground with the hat. He was running. He didn't look happy but he didn't look miserable. We'll take it. He lined up to receive his participant and placing ribbon, 184th. You couldn't see he was sad. When he finally opened up about his feelings, "I didn't get first." It was that "simple" of a statement. The little guy that shuts down has a fiesty, competitive nature in him. My response, "No. But, you did your best and that makes Mommy happy. Did you have fun?" The conversation continued, "I pushed people, Mommy. Other people were pushing. There wasn't room for everyone. I pushed some red guys. Some blue guys. And some green guys. But, not some yellow guys. Those are my team." ---- and, that left me speechless.

Running has brought something out of him - and that is a tremendous gift.

Day 2: Rewarding Good Behaviour?

Parenting is filled with constant choices and so many perspectives. One choice being allowances and rewarding good behaviour. I am still uncertain as to where I sit on this one, however, my husband is 100% in support of a reward system. I thought it was worth a shot so we laid out some guidelines and let our boys choose a reward to work towards. After nearly two months, this is is what happened:

After a quick search on "rewarding good behaviour" I came across this statement:
We give our children ice-cream if they're "good", chocolate if they're quiet, little gold stars if they eat their greens, maybe even money if they get good marks at school. We praise them with a "good boy!" or "good girl!" if they do something that pleases us. For the modern and discerning parent, the hitting-and-shaming method of "discipline" is passé. Punishment is out, and rewards are in. Why use the stick, when we can better teach a child by using a carrot? (Source: The Natural Child Project)

Although I am a firm believer in positive parenting methods, I would suggest we are far from the strict reward referenced above... and this article goes on to highlight just that with a perfect example:
Here is a good illustration of why we made the mistake of believing in rewards, based on benefits that appear on the surface. When an American fast-food company offered food prizes to children for every book they read, reading rates soared. This certainly looked encouraging - at first glance. On closer inspection, however, it was demonstrated that the children were selecting shorter books, and that their comprehension test-scores plummeted.  (Source: The Natural Child Project)

With this in the back of our minds, we rolled out a reward system with standards: we established a minimum standard for acceptable behaviour and execution of responsibilities - yes, I am referencing my 3 year old as well - and then establish set items that we felt were significantly above that standard. We then, at an unspecified time, agreed to recognize our children's behaviour with the surprise - again, see video. (Feel free to watch a few times if you like. :) ).  On a practical/specific level here is what we established for our children:

6 year old (with developmental delays):

Minimum:

• Get dressed promptly
• Maintain a relatively organized room
• Consistently clean up after himself
• Work collaboratively to set table for dinner
• Always clear table after dinner
• Activity participate in school - and the activities he asked to enroll in: swim lessons, piano, choir
• Practice piano 

Additional responsibilities which will then become the minimum as he ages:

• Take out recycling
• Feed the dog 
• Take the dog out/let her in as she alerts
• Put away laundry
• Put dishes away

3 year old:

Minimum:

• Respectful communication & use of manners
• Eye contact
• Maintain a relatively organized room
• Consistantly clean up after himself
•  Work collaboratively to set table for dinner
• Always clear table after dinner

Additional responsibilities:

• Feed the dog
• Help with putting dishes away 
• Help with putting laundry away
• Help with taking out the recycling

We are already seeing the evolution of these items - in particiular with recycling. Both boys take great pride in sorted everything.... we will see how things continue, in the meantime feel free to share your thoughts on reward systems and/or the responsibilities you expect of your children in the comments below. 

Comparing Children: just don't do it

We have started to take the boys skating. It's become a weekly thing. They both enjoy it and although it does not come easy for them, they are having fun.

Our oldest lacks muscle tone. He could not process protein like a "normal" child and instead, protein consumption sent him into a comatose state; extreme lethargy, sudden high fevers, spontaneous - projectile vomiting... Not fun. BUT... he is out growing it. We are exceptionally fortunate to have a child with metabolic disturbances who grows out of it. We are blessed. Supporting his development to assist him in "catching up" presents numerous situations which test our patience to a level that I never knew existed.

When your child is at the playground or hockey rink, have you ever found yourself admiring the physical abilities of other children there?... Then, you catch yourself --- as you inadvertently are comparing your child. That used to be us. Selfishly, one of the blessings of our son's health adversity is that we have genuinely stopped comparing our child to others.... I highlight this as such a blessing because I think it makes us better parents; we focus and celebrate our child without the distractions comparisons may present.  However; that does not stop others. I listen to them share proudly about their child's accomplishments as they continually offer, well-meaning but non-constructive, suggestions that are so specific within the realm of a child's development, I cringe.

At our last visit to the rink, I  mistakenly asked the age of another child as this child's skills were exceptional and it provided and easy means to begin a conversation... He was 6. My son is 6. This other child was literally skating laps around our son. When our son stands and shuffles, we get excited. The passive tension rapidly rose as this other parent began suggesting everything to teach our son how to play hockey... We listened but stepped aside feeling really awkward and judged.

Our child is having fun in activity that helps him increase his strength, balance, coordination and support muscle growth.... We'll take that and proudly brag via posting a video of his newly acquired skills to You Tube. See for yourself: happy, healthy and determined. There is no need compare him to others.

My 3 Year Old Teacher

Important lessons learned this week alongside a 3 year old:

1. If you let your 3 year old walk the dog down a hill on a cement sidewalk, be prepared for tears. If you don't allow them to do so, tears and.... if you do, well....

2. Doing so will very likely result in crying - those painful screaming cries - and two "broken legs"... aka, scraped knees.

3. "Broken legs" can be healed with popcorn and a children's favourite tv show.

4. When a 3 year old is angry, take the time to listen. Really, really listen. They are likely angry because they have not been heard. In all seriousness we ran into quite an issue this week with our child hitting and spitting at his teacher. Yes - you read that right and yes - I just posted that publicly.  And, approximately two weeks ago there was an issue where he deliberately tripped every child in the class. Yes - I just admitted that and posted it publicly, too.

While obviously we need to address these behaviours, in each case we learned - from listening - that he was standing up for himself and that is a characteristic and attribute we want to continue to encourage. So, how does one encourage the behaviour, recognize the strengths in the child's character and squash the perceived undesirable behaviour?...

Now, am I becoming THAT parent? The one that you want to avoid because if my child hurts you on the playground I am going to standby and support them.... reality check! Of course I am going to standby and support them BUT, I won't standby and support the behaviour. Those are two critically different "elements".

And with that, I am going to step away from the computer to make breakfast and lunch for my 3 year to ensure they are fully fueled to add some new karate chop actions to his seemingly aggressive moves... ;)

This is the face of a child who may hit, spit, kick... but, is also filled with a lot of love!

Meet My Dinosaurs - and My Brother

We have two boys. Two boys who are completely opposite in absolutely every way you could possibility imagine: sleeping habits, eating habits, one is very much introverted and the other --- well, he is best described as a "cartoon character". We mean the latter as a term of endearment, we promise. Neither child can greet you without making you smile but for completely opposing reasons. The oldest is an old soul who melts your heart and the youngest will have you curled in a ball of laughter grinning ear-to-ear. Being around a child that makes you laugh like that, melts your heart in a new way. We are blessed. We probably sound like any proud parents but, seriously, take a moment to pause and reflect on your child or children's personality and those little pieces that make them unique - and, you are sure to find some peace and something new to smile about.

Through this, our boys - the brothers - are best, best friends. We think you can see this through their play. They can go hours works collaboratively - complimentary - on special projects. And, here is a quick shot of that. In this video our oldest introduces you, proudly, to his younger brother. Enjoy!