6 Questions to Ask Your Child Every Day

I asked my 4 year old for a list of his favourite things. His responses were surprising. The simplicity and authentic responses are inspiring:

1. Making friends
2. Fighting monsters
3. Eating Popcorn
4. Making apple juice 
5. Cuddling with Mommy - EVERY DAY
6. Watching my brother's iPad
7. The bear story: Baby Baby, Baby Bear, What do you see?

... had he not seen his brother's iPad in the background, I am not sure this would have made the list. That said, he is now distracted by a matching game and cheering himself on as he randomly pairs Pokemon cards. "Mom, the game told me I am AWESOME!" Yes, buddy --- you are awesome. Very awesome.

This got me reflecting on the questions we ask our children; the perceived responses we might have and; other questions and responses - the dialogue - with my children I thrive on experiencing each and every day.

We have a routine at the dinner table:
1. How was your day?
2. What did you do today?

By asking this question in routine, the responses have become overwhelming but exciting. We receive the ultimate play-by-play, i..e
"I woke up. I came downstairs. I ate cereal for breakfast. I walked to school. I got to school. I put my backpack down. I walked around at school. The bell rang. 'Ring! Ring!' I went in my class. I put my backpack down. I put my indoor shoes on. Wait. I took off my boots and then I put my indoor shoes on..."

3. How did that make you feel? 
Whether a situation they are describing it something that make them happy, sad, frustrated, angry. We have them connect these emotions with the situation. You see, my oldest has anxiety (read more here -- I also talk about parenting the self-punishing child here) and any opportunity to discuss his emotions and learn during moments of pauses versus in the heat of the moment, it something we welcome.

4. What was your favourite part of your day?

5. What did you learn today?

And, of course:

6. Do you want to dance? 

Until next time... have a wonderful day! xo

Parenting Perspective: The Chapter on Supporting Your Self-Punishing Child Begins

My son is sensitive and loving, a true old soul. But with this aspect of his personality comes the "self-punishment". Combine this with anxiety (I talk about his anxiety here) and numerous developmental delays and a typical day presents that many more opportunities for my own personal growth. This perspective is critical to save my sanity. My sweet boy is gift to teach me greater patience, a deeper love and to value and hold onto every precious moment...

I love this photo of him. I think you can see a bit of his precious soul through his eyes and smile.

My six, soon-to-be seven year old, has made frightening, devastating, comments. From "I don't want to live" --- and shying completely away from concretely discussing it only to comment, "I can't tell you what I sad again because it would make you really, really sad." This is certainly want breaks my heart the most but then there are moments like yesterday where he declares his own punishment.

He started crying, balling. In the moment I couldn't understand why but soon learned the trigger (within a series of items) was receiving cereal instead of toast for breakfast. Anything pertaining to making a decision, he gets COMPLETELY overwhelmed. Even the option of having both so that he does not necessary have to make another choice becomes, yes, another choice for him. The crying, red tears, tears streaming down his face --- after nearly 40 minutes he realized this is not an acceptable response for the situation and that there should be a consequence. He begins:

• You need to take away my Pokemon card, forever.
• When I get home from school, I am just going to stay in my room for the rest of the day. 
• Don't have a birthday party for me. I don't deserve it.

And, he continues... continues declaring punishments for the next 20 minutes.

I had to leave for work and this stayed with me all day. Last night I spent the evening reading a spectrum of articles on "when a child self punishes"; "how to support a child who self punishes"; "understanding a child who self punishes".  Additionally, I have reached out to various local therapists to meet and discuss so I can better get out of my own head on this subject. I am by no means an expert but I can say, reading other parents' perspectives last night on similar circumstances helped so I thought I would share my situation, thus far, albeit with no particular resolve because sometimes I know you need to hear "I can relate"; "You are not alone". And, from the "expert" articles I read last night, a common them was:

"This is a surprisingly common issue for children." 

With that, again, you are not alone. Yesterday was not the first time we have gone through this situation. This has been going on for nearly two years and as he matures the consequences seem to be getting more in depth rather than lesser. 

I will update as we make our way through this parenting chapter... With some positive resolve, here are a few strategies I found from "When a Child's Guilt Goes Overboard" that we are going to try. 

"Here are a few suggestions, but you should find what works for your family:

1. Change the self-talk. Tell him he may apologize but he may not “insult” himself. That is your son he’s insulting and you don’t want to hear it! Explain that it is not his job to give the punishments, it’s your job. He can express his feelings once, but then needs to move on to something on the list.
2. Draw or write an apology note. No matter how small or large his mistake, this gives him a way to focus on the person he upset instead of himself, and express his remorse.
3. Make a gift of some kind. This is a great way to use some creativity making someone else feel good, and he will probably learn that this makes him feel better as well.
4. Spend some time alone. Separate from a punishment, he can go hang in his room or some comforting place.
5. Use that energy as exercise. Running off his mad, even if it’s at himself, is a healthy way to get these feelings out. A punching bag in your basement, a jump rope, push ups or sit ups are healthy ways to push out his mood.
6. Do a good deed. When he is feeling  like he is a disaster as a person, have him do something kind or helpful for the world. Clean up some litter, rake for a neighbor, do an extra chore around the house.
7. Create art or music or stories. These are excellent media for ridding ourselves of negative emotions."

SOURCE: When a Child's Guilt Goes Overboard,  Ask Doctor G: Parenting & Youth Development Expert, http://askdoctorg.com/2012/05/14/when-a-childs-guilt-goes-overboard, accessed November 16, 2017

Thanks for letting me connect and being a part of your day... hold onto a positive perspective throughout the challenges of your own parenting journey. Each present tremendous opportunities for growth and development... through that growth and development, we can empower, inspire and support.

With gratitude... have a wonderful day! xo

Parenting a Child with Anxiety

My son has anxiety. It is draining. It is exhausting. It challenges every ounce of my being. It tests me in ways beyond measures. It can most easily be recognized by the tears streaming down both of our faces. 

The other day was photo day at soccer. An environment which may not be comfortable for all but one that the 40+ other children they could cope reasonably well with. This is not me comparing or singling out my child. This is me being observant and open to learning how others handle such circumstances. The result: 2.5 hours of crying until he cried himself to sleep. Again, this not be comparing or singling out my child; this is me knowing my child and understanding from the dozens of medical professionals he has seen, he has anxiety.

When friends try to help - for me, a wall goes up.  A thick, impenetrable wall. I know people are meaning well but the reality is: we just want to dive into a bubble, my son and I, so we can talk; so he can express himself and I can remind him, without distraction, I am here with you. I love you.

It's not about whether or not it's going to be okay because in that moment, that is not a message he is able to hear; that is not within the realm of his reality...

If you are cornered by a lion and someone were to say to you, "it's going to be okay?" - you might have some choice words. For someone to think that by saying those words, in that moment, those "actions" are going to help with the circumstance?... Think about that. Really think about that. That is what a child with anxiety faces when they are triggered.

I relate my son's anxiety to being cornered by a lion

The reality is these situations that to most are simple decisions or day-to-day circumstances are completely overwhelming and outright terrifying for him. This --- this is anxiety.

On a day-to-day level, from public appearance, he can cope well. But, when he doesn't - and we don't always know what the trigger will be (yet) - it is not about whether or not he copes well; right now, it is that he does not cope. "Fight or flight" --- he takes off like a rocket-ship... and he is headed to a universe that is presently completely unknown to us but, guess what, we are along for the ride.

We've tried to talk with other parents about his anxiety but are often met with:
"He seems fine to me."
"He's learning at his own pace."

I can tell you these are not helpful or constructive comments. Although we appreciate the place these messages are coming from, I am writing this to share another perspective. When you know there is something "wrong" with your child it is not about labeling him - or perhaps more appropriately - feeling bad that he HAS a label. The "label" is a part of who he is. That is not something to be dismissed; it is something that must be acknowledged. It is a reality. It is his reality. It is a part of him and all of him is someone to be embraced.

We are new to this. This world of parenting a child with anxiety... it's not easy but we are learning... we are trying to keep breathing. We are letting ourselves cry. And we are reminding ourselves:

Until next time.. have a wonderful day! xo

p.s. I will keep you updated; if you have a child with anxiety, please do not hesitate to reach out.  Comment below or share some links to helpful resources to the comment section below.